Almost no action taken thus far

5:30 am:
It's Wednesday morning and as of this writing I have taken no action to find a new job since hearing about it by text last Thursday while at the twins game.

My anxiety woke me up last night and it's gripping me now this morning to the point where my breathing isn't regular. Am I still deciding what I'm going to do, or putting off making that decision, or bracing myself for the limited choices I will have? Will I have the luxury of time to make a choice? Would my present employer actually let me go at the end of the month because my sales figures have sucked since they took away the ability to sell to people who walk in the door, (ups)?

I'm off from 6 pm tonight through Thursday, then back Friday morning 7 am. I sold a car yesterday and it grossed $325 but that is $8 short of covering my base unless I sell another one today. In other words, I get another week at $7.25/hour. 

2:30 pm:

If I do sell another car in the next 90 minutes, the hours over 40, (I'm scheduled for 46), that I worked last week mean nothing. This draw against commission sucks. Why do I do this to myself, i.e. take no action to better my situation? Am I not worthy? 

I came home last night and there was that moment after I had finished eating when I decided I was just going to veg out on the TV.  I was exhausted and my feet were killing me so I opted out of a bike ride. I have a debilitating foot condition that greatly limits what I can do for a living, i.e. not even as much walking as I'm doing now.

CLICK HERE for what's wrong with my feet.This condition, (metatarsalgia), came on strong after my attempt to work at Target as a seasonal Team Member. That lasted three days and found me interviewing for a sales position in the most cutthroat field there is. And for the record, sales is NOT what I want to do!

My night was finished. I became a couch potato. I guess I've grown and learned that when i make a conscious decision to take the night off i try not to second guess that decision.

On a positive note, I didn't take an extra Buspirone last night though I was tempted, so I just let myself feel like crap. That's good, right? (Not taking one is good, feeling like crap is never good). I don't need to get into a situation where I worry about getting hooked on a higher dose than prescribed or I'll have to confront that need when I can't get a refill sooner than thirty days. While I'm on a high note, I quit smoking after just a couple weeks so I don't have that $4/day habit. It's easy to quit, I do it all the time. I've also cut way back on caffeine now so that could be a factor in my blood pressure getting back to pre-hypertensive vs hypertensive levels. 

Back to the negative; I'm continuing to gain weight. Intermittent exercising increases the appetite even when I don't work out everyday. I'm up to 183 lbs now. Last summer I was too thin, weighing in at 165. Maybe the 5lbs of Easter candy was not a wise choice? It went right to my hips. In my defense, I got it for 75% off at Goodwill. And I'm proud to say I tossed a pound of the chocolate eggs in the trash but I pulled a half dozen of the delicious eggs back out of the garbage the next evening. Mmm...

I fell asleep early last night so I did get some good sleep before midnight. I heard somewhere that the pre-midnight sleep is good stuff. I did however find myself waking up several times during the night. I was tempted to take half of a Trazodone or even some Benadryl about 3:00, the third time I woke, to help get back to sleep but again, victory, I got back to sleep with nothing more than a podcast of "This American Life." I heard portions of three of those during the night.

I'm battling getting out of my head vs. not totally tuning out reality. I'm thinking I would like a job that involves driving, like a courtesy shuttle for an assisted living residence. 

Aim high, Stephen! 

I can live on $13/hour if I can find something else like a  children's book online to subsidize it. Dreaming is free.

I fought the urge to make my POF profile invisible until I finished buttoning my shirt this morning, another victory. Then I went stealth on POF, I do not need that drama, and the Ukrainian I met didn't respond back to me when I said I'd like to try oil painting. Maybe the quip about how I might be a naturally gifted impressionist, just hadn't had a chance, was a bit intense. No loose ends to tie up on POF so that was easy and my shirt was buttoned almost non-stop before shutting down POF. Sometimes I find myself putting on my shoes, turning on the TV, adding something to my to-do list, etc. before the shirt is buttoned. It wouldn't bother me if I didn't think it was a sign of stress and/or anxiety.  

Since I got up at 5:15 instead of waiting for the 5:30 alarm I tried to download the newest version of the operating system for the MacBook so I could get one of my short stories on iTunes. I couldn't figure it out but I took baby steps, I tried. I've been meaning to get that process of self-publication going for awhile. In my delusional dreams I hope to make a killing on some children's books and pay off the debts, buy a cabin up in the north woods, keep my basic apartment in town, find an outdoorsy woman who's my best friend and can keep up with me and my ruined feet, bad back, high blood pressure, and mental illness and I'll be living high off the hog. Baby steps...

On the way into work I couldn't remember if I took my morning dose of Depakote and Buspirone, which is the other end of the spectrum from Sunday when I just forgot to take it even though I have an alarm that goes off twice a day on my phone when the dose is due. So, I took a dose when I got into work. I'm now feeling relatively better but compared to what? Geez, did I double up on the dose? Is my inability to even keep up on my dosing another sign that my memory sucks? Actually that memory issue is a given, my memory sucks.

I emailed a copy of my latest resume to myself at work and am editing it. Baby steps. WooHoo!

I got a text from my daughter showing my granddaughter and her gnome, Grimble at his summer home. These mini-escapes are what I love most. Someday maybe I won't consider these precious moments "escapes," though I'm not sure what else they could be called; moments of joy? My happy place?