After the Storm

I’m without words. The bittersweet feeling that I had such a great time, I wish I would’ve been able to share it with their parents. I probably overstepped and sending them the pictures with the #WhatYouMissed2021 

Oops

It wouldn’t have been the same with them there. Let’s just say there might have been some booboo’s, self-inflicted, compounded by Olive’s need to excel, where she might have cried with huge alligator tears, “I want my mom.” Whatcha gonna do? I couldn’t  move in for a hug, I’m sitting backwards on the front of Bark, (His name is written in the sides). If I did that and we all three went in? I think I bribed, or made Mia try it as penance for made rocking Bark while Olive was standing.

And it was cold when the wind came up. 

Oops.

On my agenda is to prepare a red velvet cake, like they do during the emancipation celebration and Juneteenth celebrations. The old fashion way, wood coals.

You have to buy the wood here, keeps from spreading some disease. I won’t pay $1.50/chunk so pilfered the two neighboring campsites, who bailed early, and got me $15 worth, like the retired solo campers are bound to do. 

I was going to use charcoal and Girl Scout juice but my son in law, Ben raised the stakes with the rhubarb pie, and ice cream, for his own birthday. 

No thermometer, so I’m winging it.

 Some coals on top, raised above the others...
But does it tastes as good as it looks? (I didn’t make my own frosting).

It was so good, I had seconds. 

#IKnewThatWouldHappen

 I kept telling them to put clips on the chips cuz it was 82% humidity. Nope, all the opened bags are stale. Hmm.... casserole meat! There are a lot of stale chips. 

When you have lemons, make lemonade. Or in my case, a beautiful pancake from this morning, carefully preserved. Add tuna salad, cheese and lettuce and it’s a tuna fish pancake!

Scrumptious.

I still have breakfast to use the stale chips. 

Saturday morning.

Got 5 hours of sleep, it sprinkled a bit last night, and woke to a lovely 54°. Our day at the beach has been postponed. Just started raining now, and for the next 22 minutes. 

Let me bring you up to date: 

We were going to meet up here with the Bells and Fischers. Before coming, I texted Aaron and asked what his plans were. Said it wouldn’t change mine, but need to know. He said they were staying Sunday night in the Dolphin. 

The weather started changing the plans. 

Not one to doubt others but Jess says they can’t stay overnight because of work on Memorial Day? And she seems quick to cancel, or at least her part in it. 

Family dynamics at work here. I plan a Memorial Day & Ben’s birthday celebration, outside, which implies last minute changes. Diane sums up her enthusiasm (NBD) and sides with Jess, who then TEXTS Aaron to see what he wants to do?

Aaron, trying to straddle the fence, leans toward total cancellation. At this point, Jess has already planned on dumping the kids on me. Ben and Steph are coming anyway. 

I missed the texts saying, “We still need to drop kids off to camp though.” 

Am I reading too much into this?

Olive and Mia, dropped off at Pop-Pop’s summer camp. Works for me.

I also missed where it was getting annoying. I annoy Jess, she has a hard time even being around me. But this text thread is annoying? 

What does one do when a loved one finds them annoying, or at least difficult to be around? Or at least just not on any lists of top five friends? (Dwight & his insurrectionist buddies).

I’ve tried to put myself in others’ shoes in this regard. How would I treat a guy I just did not like, but came to family events? For sake of this exercise, let’s call him Jimmy Markey, my former broker in law.

1. So, what would Jimmy be able to do to win me over? 

• Not be so annoying? 

1. Would I be on the lookout for anything that could be construed as annoying? Even texts?

• Sure, I’m only human. 

1. What if Jimmy invited me over for a little one-on-one time? What the hell? 

• Would I eventually go, to make him feel better? I just don’t like to be around him. 

This is how I perceive that my youngest brother and oldest daughter feel about me. What can I do about it, tell Jess, “I’m not as annoying as I became during lockdown.”

Jess doesn’t respond to my texts in a timely fashion, has been postponing my virtual request for some time together. (Wanted to make it a date to watch a Timberwolves, (season ended) or Wild game (season has since ended, after 6 games in Stanley Cup Playoffs). 

I fear that Jess didn’t know Aaron said they were camping Sunday night. I use the word, fear, because if they start to crumble in their communications, like Nama and me, they’re in for some toxic times.

But the text thread, trying to alter the plans due to the most updated forecast, which had changed in the last few days?

THIS FEELS ANNOYING?

What can I do to win her back? What can Jimmy do to win me back? 

Not much. 

At this stage, Jess went from cancelling even coming out, to canceling sleeping over, but now, in the middle of this, all these texts coming at me fast, the girls are staying overnight without heir parents?

And on top of that, when they are packing the kids off to play in the water with their Pop-Pop, you would think they’d toss in the kid’s kayak I bought them? That’s just some passive aggressive bullshit. And if no thought was really put into it, cuz I’m Jessica’s Jimmy, it’s just sad. 

ON THE POSITIVE SIDE: Having the girls interrupt my silent retreat? It was heaven. 

I’m not ready for prime time in my interviewing kids. 

Next morning 

I got 5 hours of sleep. We all shared a huge double sleeping bag on my queen sized mattress. We were on a slight slope downward so we’d have to shift back up a couple times. At 4:30, Mia wakes up and says, startled, “What is that noise, Pop-Pop?

“It’s a huge train with a loud whistle,” I laughed. “What did you think it was?”

I think she wasn’t fully conscious. 

Up at 6:00, and W&B in giddy anticipation of what was in store. Olive wanted to buy leeches and go for the walleyes. She listened as I teased the two local cops who claimed there were walleye in there but nobody is catching them. I said I was gonna buy me some lee he’s and I know where they are. (I was showing off to Olive, talking to cops nicely and all. #JusticeForGeorgeFloyd

“I want to fish with leeches,” she said. “But they’re scary, I don’t want to have to touch it, okay, Pops?”

Mia was reading a chapter book. She had three hours or more of reading. I’ve never been prouder. She was diagnosed as dyslexic a couple years ago and the white privilege that allowed the to have one of the best tutors is what others are jealous when it falls our way? Are we not supposed to “bask in the glory of white privileged?” Well, that’s extreme but you get the point. Plus, she now loves to read!

6:54 AM While writing in the car, Olive wakes up, finds me and gives me back my glasses. “You staying up?” I asked.

“Nope.” And she scurried back, across the wet grass barefoot to sleep. 

Olive did not want to get off this thing, asked if she could paddle out past the buoys, alone, and is amazing to boot!

I took all the seats out, and it’s like a cargo van. But with two passengers, Voila! A tucked away seat! 

When you solo camp, you just don’t feast like when you have two girls who’d rather have lovey bait than good, all American breakfast.

Mia taught this old man what good, crispy bacon is, and it’s good. #Bravo Mia!

Giggle Happy Day.

I got on the water at 10:00, caught a half dozen perch, then switched to the paddle board about 12:30.

I don’t know how to use my paddle board. But that didn’t stop me from paddling 7 miles of the 7.5 mile shoreline on my butt and on my knees. It’s that new med, it makes me feel six-pack drunk. But I see a time in the near future that I’ll get the balance back and love it cuz surfing down the backside of major waves is groovy. 

It was so fun I was giggling. I love when that happens. So I made a video for mature audiences only. 

Then I came back and made my vegetarian Alfresco pasta with ham, corn, green beans and onion, cuz I’m saving the hotdogs for tomorrow. 

Day 2

 It was 41° this morning but perfect, other than the barking dog. Went to bed early, falling asleep to miss the end of the Minnesota Wild’s loos to the Vegas Golden Knights in the Stanley Cup Play-offs. I’m supposed to take my new Rx and a Neurontin in the morning. I accidentally took my evening pills, including melatonin and my lamictal. 

Oops. 

Early nap? What will I take tonight? I’ll steal a melatonin from my pill box. Here’s why I can’t get back to sleep. When I wake anytime after 4:30 cuz I have an overactive bladder, if my mind starts racing I can’t get back to sleep. When I have literally no drama, I’m left worrying about getting back to sleep, and that sucks. 

I’ve used the Black Forest twice already. I think I’ve gone from giving that to the Bells to loaning it to them when I’m not using it. 

It would be an understatement to say we are camping close together. A couple boys were practicing soccer and using my tent as a backstop. That was better than playing keep away by dribbling around my tent ONCE. Yeah, I’ll play the curmudgeon if it means saving my tent from a couple prepubescent soccer prodigies. 

I forgot to bring coffee so I was off to Holiday by 6:00. Tried to have a complete cigarette. 0 for 1 today. 

Morning dew was loveley..
Ive added some photos to Baker Recreation Cemter. I’ve gotten more than 150,000 views of my photos of Lake Auburn. The pressure!

 

I found my f*cking radio in my fishing vest. I looked in almost all the pockets three times.

Oops.

Did a W&B at 7:30. Going for meditation attempt #2 (a whole cigarette, with a favorite song chaser.). Going for it... NOW!

I did it! I reached for a better set of headphones, and almost set down the cigarette, but succeeded in almost focusing. I thought cigarettes and music would calm me down. (Heart rate 78). 

Gonna clean out just one of my pockets in my vest. In the marines they emphasize redundancy. (Or is that the astronauts?) but I don’t think three tape measures is required. And I’m not going to wear masks anymore, and these two don’t fit anyway. 

 I try to listen to the lyrics of a whole song. I’m 0 for 1 on that. The song was Can’t Take My Eyes Off You by Lauren Hill. Theresa tried to sing that to me in 2011, driving along I-680. She made me cry, (happy cry) when she got embarrassed for forgetting the lyrics on the second verse. 

I have 4 backup chargers, can’t find two of them. One is probably still in my vest. 

The goal is mindfulness. In the here & now. I found pop can crafts with a good cop show like NCIS. Anthony Dinohzzo is the character I watch. He is always joking but he’s Gibb’s wingman and always has his back. He reminds me of me. 

Fishing for bass, casting under the trees, is another way to achieve mindfulness, if I have a podcast on, like Conan or Rob Lowe, or Alec Baldwin. Robe Lowe knows everybody, has been everywhere and is just a cool dude. Now listening to Matthew McConaughey and Rob Lowe. Mindfulness. 

Why I Smoke Cigarettes Medicinally

 I was labeled as having ADHD. My own personal test is to try to take a break along enough to smoke a whole cigarette without getting up. The first pack I bought, I was 2 for 20, i.e. I only get through 2 in one sitting. 

My second pack, Marlboro Reds 100’s, I fared a bit better. See? Medicinal. My strategy to defeat the conscious inability to sit for a two minute break? Don stop for a smoke, just keep going. And there is my goal, smoke less with little breaks, my body will know when to take a break. But nooo! My mind won’t let my exhausted body rest, and the battle ensues.

Wake n Bake.

When I roomed with Roger in college we had a thing called B.I.B.s, (bongs in bed). First person up, introduces the other to sit up in bed, and have a B.I.B. 

When I went to see Mark, it was Wake & Bake before we put our bodies through hell, the only breaks I would try to take was to sit through a cigarette.

. I got 6 hours and 40 minutes of sleep, but was up at 5:30. Futzed around, drank a French vanilla double latte, looked at the monumental task ahead, realized I had 9 hours to pack, smoked up a bowl, and had a whole cigarette in one sitting and my resting heart rate is 73. Last week it was 83 - 86. 

One for one in the sitting still category!  I smoked the whole damn thing in the secret garden. 

My list

Tune out and tune it. It’s vacation!

 I went to babysit the Fischers, Roger, 2 YO and Lydia will be 4 on June 9th. It was 47° and raining but Roger has a simple method of persuasion. “Car...car...car...Peppa... car... car...car...car...Peppa... car car...car...car...Peppa... car...”

“Wanna go shopping?” I asked, to shut him up or add a few more words to his repertoire.

“Yeah,” he said, jutting his hands in the air like he’d won the... he beat me. But one of the absolute coolest things about being a grandparent, (and ask anybody who is), you can give into that crap and spoil the hell out of them. “Shopping... Car...car...car...Peppa... car... shopping.”

“Wanna eat something first?”

“No!”

“Lydia, let’s go shopping,” I said, hiding my sardonic, pleasurable expression in letting him have his way, without feeling a bit guilty about it, but Lydia’s had a lot more practice.

“Lydia, come on, let’s go.”

“But I’m watching Blippi,” she said, without even taking her eyes off the TV. 

“ Car...car...car...Peppa... car,” Roger chimed in. 

At Target they don’t have the fabulous two-passenger carts so Roger fidgets in the seat, grabbing everything he can reach, and Lydia walks in front of the cart. Not 4’ in front, right in front. And when we get to another aisle, she tries to anticipate what aisle I’m heading to next. She has such an eidetic mind, she probably was being modest by not taking me directly from the pickle relish to the tiny Cokes.

Target went off without a hitch. Then to my favorite store, Five Below. I swear I’m batting 1.000 when I ask Minnesotans if they’ve been there. 

“What is it?”

“Everything in there is $5 or less. Except for some electronics, those are up to $8 or so.”

When they can get a word in edgewise, they say they thought it was a winter clothing store. Well duh.

It went well, in fact pretty fun.I don’t treat stores like libraries so I let them run free. Then I’ll holler, “ROGER!” and then I bark, “Heel!”

Lydia is trying real hard to pick something, ($5 or below cuz she’s too young for electronics), because she went out of there with some toy the cashier laid on her about it being a collectible, like Beanie Babies. Jerk. I got what I wanted, some pee pads for my cat, and kept telling her, “It’s okay, Lyds. You didn’t get a good toy last time either..”

I’m not whispering this, she’s two aisles over. I avoided the electronics aisle because my Costco credit card is already up to $2,100 and that’s all I’m taking home.

Oops.

It’s vacation, so f*it.

I’m almost out the door of Five Below with Roger, but Lydia is back at the far register, gawking at some impulse purchase, exactly where she bought that non-collectible last week. “Come on, Lyds,” I say loudly, because she ain’t budging. “Come on, we’ll get something at Dollar Tree.” 

And she started throwing a tantrum; full on tears. And Roger takes off to the right as I get stern with Lydia to my left. I see another grandma in line, (I could tell cuz she knew I was secretly having more fun than imaginable), and I say to her, and a few other stragglers, (it’s the Dollar Tree, they’re all stragglers), “It’s like herding cats, ain’t it?”And I’m in my leather cowboy hat, hair almost down to my shoulders, and going on 3 hours sleep. My bet is they were relieved a guy like me wasn’t an asshole cuz a lot of guys who look like me are. 

So anyway, we get into the Dollar Tree (Everything in there is a dollar or less. Unlike Dollar General or Family Dollar. Maybe that’s what they should change Five Below’s name to, Five Dollar General. 

Lydia starts to cry again, wanting to go back to Five Below. Full-on tears, and I’ve got the one liner cocked and loaded. But Roger didn’t want to be in there either. They wanted to go back to Five Below, but I wanted to buy one more set of Bluetooth headphones, but I didn’t have the money. So I told her to stop, or we were leaving, and she didn’t stop so we left, got in the car and drove back to the Fischer’s. I have no experience disciplining a boy this age, but a 4 YO? Been there, done that. In 8th grade, Steph’s idea of a good time was to have me take them shopping. At Target. We’d holler across the store, “Steph, why kind of Kotex do you want? Is that by the toilet paper.”

 It my little Steph I’ve won the award, and that game was retired. She got on her belly right in front of the cashiers line and slammed her fists and kicked her feet and threw a faux full-on tantrum. 

BRAVO STEPH 

Seven Years Later.

Some things change, some remain the same. I still have trouble sleeping and I'm still adjusting my meds. I was doing pretty well on the Lamictal alone, nothing additional to sleep except 10 mg of Melatonin. But environmental forces were working against me, and sleep has been hard to come by. 

So my shrink put me on Carbamazepine (Tegretol) 200 mg. More drugs, more side effects.

WHAT ARE POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS OF TEGRETOL?

Common side effects of Tegretol include:

• nausea,
• vomiting,
• dizziness,
• drowsiness,
• dry mouth,
• swollen tongue,
• loss of balance or coordination, or
• unsteadiness.

What are the long term effects of carbamazepine?

Long-term treatment with carbamazepine can cause osteoporosis and osteopenia (increasing your risk of breaking a bone).

I already have dry mouth, dizziness, and loss of balance and unsteadiness. WTF? And I just bought the best Stand-up Paddle-board (SUP) on the market!

 

I also tricked out my Sienna to fit that and the fishing kayak I've modified greatly.

I also bought a trailer for my kayak. I can lift it over my head and carry it like a canoe on a portage, but this way, I can put all my stuff in there!

I've been busy! But I'm not sleeping, why?

Environmental influences:

1. This year would have been the 5th year I went up to the BWCA to fish with my youngest brother, Dwight. Instead, he went with his Georgia buddies. I pleaded with him, said, "Blood is thicker than water," (an old family saying), but he didn't budge. He thought it would be a good substitute to go on July 14th.
   
   Dwight has been going to the BWCAW since '97. He knows where to go, and when to go. It's Ensign Lake the week before Memorial Day. Reason: Less bugs and more fish!
   
   So, that set me back. I went all manic rants on him and his Georgia Trumplet buddies in a creative, and over the top thread. I deleted it because I don’t want to know what I said. I text things I later cannot believe I extend. Worse than that, sarcasm is not viable by text, especially when I’m not being sarcastic. I guess they didn't want me to gloat in the trip? It would have been the last time I’d be going with them, just saw the light after I felt betrayed. The saddest thing is that Dwight, (a.k.a. Ginger), has no idea how much it hurt, or the really hurtful feeling, he sort of bought my way the last four years as ballast, or charity.   
2. I just didn't make Dwight's top 5 list for his trip. He'd paid for my trips the last 4 years, so I probably overreacted a bit when I Venmoed $1,800 back to him with the simple statement: I don't want your charity and my name is Stephen, not Beaver.
   
   
3. Dwight has lambasted our older sister, Cynthia, for her actions way back years ago, when she took Dwight's daughter to NYC. The trip was a disaster but the biggest thing to come out of it was that, according to my niece, Cynthia said to her that her dad, Dwight, was gay.
   
   
4. Cynthia was out in Oregon with Mark last week and I decided, if I'm not going to be a hypocrite, I better get to the bottom of this as well. That didn't go well. But Mark described behavior of Cynthia's, like hugging complete strangers DURING A PANDEMIC, and being way over the top as an extrovert. Takes one to know one, our sister has Bipolar II disorder. She's been self-medicating for decades, i.e. total pot-head, and I skirted the issue but the main thing I guess I was trying to point out is that she's a liar. 
   
   
5. I called Bob and Mel and whined to them about Dwight. Then I asked Bob if they'd been vaccinated. And I quote, "If everybody else gets vaccinated, I won't have to." He then went into a diatribe about his sister in California says don't do it!
   
   So I sent a text saying if he won't do it for me, he should do it for America. 
   
   
6. Excited for the weekend! I'm going to be glamping for 4 nights, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday, through the Memorial Day weekend, at one of my new favorite spots, Baker Campground. I'll be alone Friday and Saturday, then the family is all coming out Sunday, and the Bells are going to stay that night.
   
   This will be my version of Nomadland, in that I'll be out there with all the rest of the campers. Okay, not at all like it but I'll be camping and my list of activities include, but not limited to:

1. Fishing
2. Paddle-boarding
3. Biking
4. In-line skating
5. Cooking
6. Making Pop-can crafts.
7. Yeah, I'll be busy. And I'm bring some dope so I'll probably be high all day, everyday cuz, you know, vacation!
8. My insomnia happens when I get up to pee, and can't, or simply won't go back to sleep. It was dominated by Dwight and my disappointment in him. Not just the act, but his inability to even acknowledge my pain. Then along came a couple days of Cynthia dominating my mind.
   
   This is a sleep chart showing something that might be interesting. That night I slept 6.5 hours was the first time in exactly two weeks that I smoked dope. I smoked a lot and grazed on all the pogey bait I could shove down my throat. I woke yesterday and, unlike that last year, where the longest I went without smoking was 5 days, I didn't crave it. NOT because I didn't want it, but because abstaining for awhile makes the buzz much better.
   
   When I was smoking everyday, the euporia was temporary and basically the first buzz of the day. After that, a waste of money to just maintain a mild buzz. But in my defense, being stoned kept the demons away. My mind was cynical about everybody and everything, and nobody deserves that, including me.

1.