I had a mishap with the bus yesterday on my second call. I was feeling groggy, having skipped swimming for a day, and getting about six hours of sleep the night before.
I did it by the book. The impact was like I took down a pillar at Cub Foods but this was all I did. I filled out the report, etc. Damn, I need to drive more carefully and being more alert has a lot to do with it so I'm off to the club to swim.
In a broader sense, those who use AA as a religion are never comfortable with any form of prescribed psychopharmaceuticals. I did that abstaining for a couple years and I can attest to the fact that while I was in a hypomanic phase, which lasted for months, I was the last to know I wasn't acting within the walls of mental normalcy. Of course I blamed the brilliant woman I was living with, specifically her inability to get me to listen to her while her concerns were escalating. Then my boss at worked threatened to fore me and asked about my meds, which at the time was ironic because I had bragged for months that I was squeaky clean. I was exercising so I know now that I can say how great I'll feel swimming but I know now, July 16th, that it would be wrong to quit the one Rx med I'm on.
And that brings me back to AA, the religion, the addiction, the radical fringe factions hat give the good groups a bad ne and offer excuses for far too any druggies and drinks to get help.
I'll put another spin on it. Here's some sort of rationale sent to me out of context. It is the total reason I am not the same as an alcoholic:
"Writing involves fantasy; alcohol promotes fantasy. Writing requires self-confidence; alcohol bolsters confidence. Writing is lonely work; alcohol assuages loneliness. Writing demands intense concentration; alcohol relaxes."
To them drinking does all these good things, but to a person who is creative during manic or hypomanic phases it is 180 degrees different. Substitute the word "mania" for "alcohol" and you have any of is pegged.
"Writing involves fantasy; mania promotes fantasy. Writing requires self-confidence; mania bolsters confidence. Writing is lonely work; mania assuages loneliness. Writing demands intense concentration; alcohol relaxes. [okay, mania does not relax at all]
I can safely say virtually every woman I've been in a serious relationship with had been an alcoholic. What's with that?
"Paychology Today's" list of manic sptims can she'd light o why somebody might want to be an alcoholic vs mentally ill. I've been accused of being a multiple addict, sex, alcohol, drugs, chats, etc. give me a break, they are all part of the manic state.
What to Look For
In the Height of Mania:
- Increased energy and restlessness
- Excessively euphoric mood
- Extreme irritability
- Fast thinking
- Inability to concentrate
- Difficulty sleeping
- Poor judgment
- Increased sex drive
- Abuse of drugs
- Aggressive behavior
- Denial that anything is wrong
Sounds like some crossover there, huh? So, would it be same coverage another alcoholic? What's it gotten me so far?
What to do, what to do...
I got it, I'll break my promise!
Damn the torpedoes, full steam ahead. Peggy is me without meds. She's my inspiration to stay on meds. She messes with my head.
Here's her latest "Dear John" letter:
I did block you on my phone but not email. I did not appreciate you stopping over and pounding on my door unannounced ... that type of behavior is frightening. I talked to my close AA friends and my sister and they asked me to tell you that they have no desire to engage you in a conversation about me on any level. So you should stop asking me for their contact information. Their view is that your erratic behavior of late is caused by your once-again abrupt unsupervised medication changes (Trazadone, Benedryl, Buspar, Lamictal, Depakote and whatever else you are/were taking) in the middle of new job, financial, family and relationship stressors and the resulting withdrawal symptoms. You are projecting your anxiety and fear onto me, calling me mentally ill and causing me undue stress. As I told you many times, I cannot be with you while you are self-medicating. You call your diagnosis bipolar (which we both know was originally concocted by Sarah) - I see it as multiple addictions (sex, booze, pot, pills, chat) that have never been addressed properly through treatment. Your denial of your addictions has lead you to a lifetime prescription med use that has fried your brain. I think you said your mother "flies with the geese" from Xanax or whatever else she took - well, so do you. I sincerely hope that some day you realize that you do not know how to live in the world as an unmedicated person -- because you never have. You can not do that on your own. You need help. Unfortunately, my survival instinct says to run from you or you will pull me down with you. I love you but won't destroy myself for you. I wish you would contact your brother, ask for help, and have him commit you for complete detoxification and treatment. That is what I would recommend.
I got it, I'll break my promise!
Damn the torpedoes, full steam ahead. Peggy is me without meds. She's my inspiration to stay on meds. She messes with my head.
Here's her latest "Dear John" letter:
I did block you on my phone but not email. I did not appreciate you stopping over and pounding on my door unannounced ... that type of behavior is frightening. I talked to my close AA friends and my sister and they asked me to tell you that they have no desire to engage you in a conversation about me on any level. So you should stop asking me for their contact information. Their view is that your erratic behavior of late is caused by your once-again abrupt unsupervised medication changes (Trazadone, Benedryl, Buspar, Lamictal, Depakote and whatever else you are/were taking) in the middle of new job, financial, family and relationship stressors and the resulting withdrawal symptoms. You are projecting your anxiety and fear onto me, calling me mentally ill and causing me undue stress. As I told you many times, I cannot be with you while you are self-medicating. You call your diagnosis bipolar (which we both know was originally concocted by Sarah) - I see it as multiple addictions (sex, booze, pot, pills, chat) that have never been addressed properly through treatment. Your denial of your addictions has lead you to a lifetime prescription med use that has fried your brain. I think you said your mother "flies with the geese" from Xanax or whatever else she took - well, so do you. I sincerely hope that some day you realize that you do not know how to live in the world as an unmedicated person -- because you never have. You can not do that on your own. You need help. Unfortunately, my survival instinct says to run from you or you will pull me down with you. I love you but won't destroy myself for you. I wish you would contact your brother, ask for help, and have him commit you for complete detoxification and treatment. That is what I would recommend.
I left your stuff in the garage. I cancelled the club membership but you have until 8/8 to use it unless you send me back the card key. I would appreciate you just dropping it in the mail to me because I know you don't have the funds to pay me now. That would be the right thing to do. You can set up your own membership when you are able. Goodbye.
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