There were wonderful, passionate things being exchanged but then it went south, blah blah.
Then the shit hit the fan at work and I took it out on Peggy. I'm just getting what sales leads come from service and I don't think anybody could get any sales out of there lately. It's all one and two year old cars, or they just paid it off and don't want anither car payment.
Near the end of my shift I go to Gary and ask if I will be able to take ups if I stay past 4 pm. He sat quietly for 60 seconds and then said, "We'll talk Monday."
I wasn't going to be able to keep that anxiety bottled up so blah blah I was ruthless and tried to get Peggy to uninvite me.
That succeeded, and escalated, and then I told her, "I'm getting laid off Monday, go away."
I tuned out by watching some intense episodes of "Scandal," where a main character is getting water boarded, and an hour or so after I tell her to go away she sends a text saying something like, "you'd probably rather be water boarded but you can come up here to the cabin..."
I promised her I will not share our conversations or talk about her and I will honor that promise, not only here but in every facet of our rekindled relationship. I am not going to speak disparagingly of her. I lambasted Diane forever and stopped doing that with Sarah, then Theresa after her. It's a conscious choice so I'll try.
The cabin was great and the passion flowed freely. I am hoping beyond hope that we will both work toward what she asked in her email:
"Is it possible to let go of all that shit?"
The answer to how to do that is for me to stop with the sarcasm and lame attempts at humor and try to limit my texts and emails between us to one per each of hers, and not always getting the last word in.
I've learned to talk less here at work, and hardly ever about myself, and with Peggy I found it easy to refrain from babbling. She has a fascinating life.
But there was one rant at the cabin and I'm not sure exactly what it was even about, though my book "The Rat Killer" was part of the one-way discussion, weighing delusions of grandeur that it's going to be great with the reality that it could be for a very limited audience. I was feeling defensive when she started answering the profound questions like what my plans were to pay my bills, rent,etc. when I get defensive I control the conversation.
Then she told me who she felt I was, which was the most amazing praise I'd ever received, and I had a hard time taking it all in. She said what I had felt for years, and that is that I think the real me comes out in my writing. In conversations and verbally I have some blockades that go up.
There's the topic of conversation for Thursday, if I see my therapist Thursday. While driving home from Peggy's cabin I got a voice mail. It was First Transit calling to set up a time to interview to drive a Metro Mobility bus.
I told my family about it last night when we gathered for Steph's boyfriend's birthday and they all said I'd be great at it.
"It's driving," I laughed.
Wednesday morning:
My cold has me knocked on my ass. What being sick does for my mental state? I try to NOT be self-aware of anything because all sorts of doom and gloom shit is swimming through my head.
I haven't paid rent yet. I'll mail the check tomorrow.
I heard a topic on the radio last night. "You can't worry about what you don't know." That supports my gameplan where I just don't face the financial facts? I must have taken it out of context.
Wednesday afternoon:
That self-conscious shit is almost crippling me now. People aren't just saying, "how ya do in'?" It's more like, "how are you doing?" The receptionist, who I do not like and she knows it, sort of grilled me a few times. "Why aren't you looking for another job?" I told her I was holding out for the new dealership. "Are you looking for another job?" She asked. And then she repeated the question.
WTF?
I'm sitting out in my car right now, feeling sorry for myself. I have to do a paradigm shift and turn my energy into getting that job tomorrow. I will give no notice and say goodbye to as few as possible when I leave this mess. I will keep my mouth shut and never talk to Michael again, the bastard, though I may have to use him as a reference to get this job. I will not look back. I will not burn bridges. Hell, I might decide to come back to the new dealership the end of July depending on who is in management over there.
I told myself I would never again share my mental illness with anybody in a work environment. That didn't last long. Even if it's not about the bipolar stuff it is definitely the issue that I have a short term memory problem. But as I write this I also don't want to admit that either. I got a stock number wrong doing a deal with the general sales manager yesterday. As if I wasn't standing right there he turns to Gary and makes some comment that was very demeaning.
I have a sales appointment in 5.5 hours. The clock is ticking so damn slow. I've read "USAToday" and other fun stuff, now I am heading back in to sit with my thumb up my butt. I feel pretty good right now. It's because of that whole premise that I am myself when I write. I think this accurately portrays how I'm feeling. So I have that going for me.
2:30 pm:
Why I don't like this place? The dealership sent out a mailing to Nissan owners offering them a free oil change. Now we are supposed to follow up and use a script to get that appointment.
"What day would be best for you?" We are to ask.
If they give a day and time on the spot the script had us lay into them with, "Great! ....it's important to arrive as close to your appointment as possible..."
WTF?
So, since I get over analytical when I'm stressed out, and God knows I'm stressed out, I ask Michael how we actually go about setting up the oil change appointment. He has no idea. Mike, the GM, says to set it up and call them right back?
WTF??
If they say, "I'll call you back to schedule a time to come in..."
First of all, they are going to call ME back for the oil change appointment? Secondly, we are to take no prisoners. "We could do that but with the number of customers making appointments, I'm concerned there may not be any spots available when you call back. And the Nissan Owner Appreciation Event is only good through June 30th."
WTF?!?!?!
This is how sales and marketing don't mix. This is what I HATE about sales.
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