I don't go back and read past posts but I guess I should, they'd show a pattern. Once again Peggy has taken it upon herself to lash out at me and declare herself free of the evil nature I was put in this earth to spread like a deadly virus. This sort of came out of nowhere, as her fist text states:
Honesty without compassion is brutality so I could have handled that truth better about tomorrow. [going to her brother's]. But we are back to our old games already and we have to figure out a way of communicating when we are apart that is respectful and reduces uncertainty. We shouldn't have to have synced calendars to say good night and good morning to each other like people who care for each other. Why is that so fucking hard? I don't want mystery and intrigue. I want to sleep soundly.
I tried the calendar sync before the last break-up, due to my memory issues, so I am confused and she's showing she's coming unraveled. But I was not going to give her the satisfaction of some two way text fight that seems to get her rocks off.
I asked her what it was that changed so much since she had just spent the weekend at some spiritual retreat:
Which part confuses you? You told me on Friday morning that you understand why I run from you...because you are fucked up. I do not want to be with someone who views himself as fucked up and even proud of it. What are you doing to change that perception of yourself? I just found all the recent stuff you put on Kickstarter to get funding for the lesbian porn novel again and the Rat Killer where you trash me and my alleged Adam's apple. You sound insane. You sound crazy on Twitter. You are writing a public blog... bipolarmisadventures? You sounded insane on POF in May. Was it the drugs that you told me you changed and didn't that caused you to do that or is that really you? Who are you now? What do you want? Can you tell me? Because I don't know. And how in the fuck can anyone feel safe with that?
She was back out there online with her manic inquisitiveness. And I could have addressed any and all of these allegations, like whether I even changed meds, but these are her issues, namely trust, so I just let it slide.
She says she's OCD but this seems more than that. I find it fascinating and try to not take it so personally but if you throw enough shit against the wall something will stick. I'm almost 60 years old and I drive a bus so yes, compared to the other successful retired men she's been dating I'm fucked up. But she told me while she was with them she said, 'he's not Stephen.' Maybe I am just her booty call. And my body is hardly keeping up with those physical demands of driving this damn bus so we will see how long this job lasts.
So, blah blah, she even sent me that above crap at 3am...
Then this afternoon I sent:
You have once again attacked me as if to be fighting back. Fighting what and whom?
I thought we had broken the pattern. Good luck.
And she got the last word in:
Yay! No money, no prospects, no soul, no memory, no conscience, no friends, a shitty car, a lying mouth, a preying dick and boring and glum to beat. I think the grocery clerk would be doing you a favor. Knock yourself out.
And then...
Free at last! I am free at last!!
So I just texted my latest version of closure ...
You will never be free. You're free from me if you don't respond but free from your mind's delusions?
Again, and I pray I have the strength this time, good bye.
Now what? A new season, another chapter, more resilience and a new twist, exercise. I do better with exercise.
She told me this blog wasn't even private anymore? Oops.
